Friday, April 24, 2009

What am I Doing Here?

Ever feel that way?

For the last couple of years I've felt very transient. I don't know if there is a better word for it -- that's just the one I can come up with. I really don't feel rooted at all. And I don't know what to do about it.

Subbing is great. It's fun. I love the kids. I've made some great friends. But at the same time, I feel like I'm circling around the edges of the pond. Swimming merrily, but around the edges nonetheless.

You eat lunch with these friends, visit with them, share jokes, raid their candy stash. But even though everyone jokes about your setting up a tent in the gym, you're really not a part of things. As a sub you have value. But you're still kind of on the outside looking in. You're not really a part of the team.

It's the same thing at church. I'm not "all in" right now. For the life of me, I don't know why. I can't do it. Maybe it's because of what happened before we left Dallas. Maybe it's because of this wall I have up. Maybe it's because I just can't seem to get involved. Maybe it's because I don't have a really great friend at church.

I don't know.

I just know that right now I don't feel like I'm part of the team.

And I long to be part of a team.

As much as I enjoy subbing, I don't enjoy this sense of being on the outside looking in.

Maybe the tug I'm feeling is the urging to get out there and get a "Real Job." But for that, I have no idea where to start. I'm afraid my limitations would totally get in the way.

The perfect job would be people-oriented.
Allow for creativity, preferably writing.
Would allow me to put my kids on the bus every morning and get them off the bus every afternoon.
Would pay a salary that would make it all worthwhile.

I don't know if that kind of a job exists for me. And I don't know where I'd find it.

And I don't even know if that's what I need.

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