Monday, March 3, 2008

Have a Happy Period?????

Okay. I have to share this. It's been sitting in my inbox for about a week. I've struggled with whether or not to post it, because I didn't want to risk offending any of my "readership" (all four of you.)

That being said, it's just too good to not pass along. So if there's even a slight chance you might be offended, please stop reading now. But I do think there's a large percentage of you (like three out of four?) that will find it really funny.

Hat-tip to Dori for sending this to me. It totally sounds like my friend Amy.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award- winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: Have a Happy Period.'

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you are some kind of sick freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


Kate said...


I am not offended. And I am SURE you have more than 4 readers - most people never comment though. ;)


Anonymous said...

I do read, but have not had this problem for 28 years, so am not in the know of "wings".


Anonymous said...

As a 61 year old woman who no longer has visits from Aunt Flo, I can still appreciate this woman's intensity and inspiration. Just wait until menapause. She'll be able to write a book -- as many women before her have.

TexPatriate said...

<== not offended.

You owe me another monitor, tho ! This one's all covered with Diet Coke (with Lime).

Anonymous said...

Hi-remember me,Angelica-I worked with your mom at Anderson&West. I loved this story-it was great.I still read your blogs just to keep up with yall since I heard so much about all of you.Many,many great stories.Like I have said,I knew her for a short time but learned a lot.She comes up in many things I talk about.

P J said...

Not offended at all, and think the letter is right on. But hysterically funny! Isn't it interesting how some men think they understand the female brain????

Keep up the good work.

Love, Pat